Facebook Fiends

First a rebus : ma I

There have been many sites that have tried to create a taxonomy of  the genus – Facebookum Userus that belong to the VettiVella family.

Such as cnn. Yes CNN. And others such as this one and this one.

So as the list maker that I am, it is my duty to come up with my own version.

  • Friendillionarus – This species makes friends and a bunch of them. Its as if it needs friends to survive.  You may have met them at an airport/bus stop or seen them once in college or work in the same building. But now they are your friends and shall know when you go to Murudeshwar, get married or cross the street.
  • Communicatorus – This one talks. And talks quite a lot. Not the lady style- blah blah blah blah(Yes,I offend the fairer species)  but more like “Dude how are you?”  every month. Very period-ic.
  • Commentova – “I like this.. Ooh I like that too. I love this photo.. Haha you look funny in this pic. I shall reshare this.”
  • Sharemaniacum – This species has no secrets. They share everything. The videos they saw, links visited, food consumed, streets crossed, views on world peace, views from where they piss.
  • Zzzzzzz – Huh? Oh yeah I have a Facebook account. Lets see what is happening. Add friend.Add Friend. Add Friend. Ignore request.Ignore request….. WTF is Farmvile, so many requests. Done.
  • Stalkium – This species owns a Facebook account just so that it can know everything about somebody. A less creepier sub-species : Paramstalkium actually likes to know everything about everybody. And yes, they are less creepy.
  • Mafia-Farmer-Petowner-Gaminus – Facebook is for meeting friends ? Naah. For this species, it is just a gaming site. They build/reap farms that they have never seen. Kill/rob people through their computer. Have pets that are not alive. But most frustratingly they send requests to people that do exist.

PS – Please don’t unfriend me. I am just joking. I dont want to run around like Kyle. Still friends?

PPS – So which one of these did offend you?

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Men don’t ask for directions

As a child, I always noticed that every road trip had the following conversations common to them:
1st.

Me: Are we there yet ?

Mom(if she is awake)/Dad : No.

2nd.

Mom: Are you sure this is the way ?

Dad: Yes, I am sure. We have gone to Shirdi 100 times.

Mom: But I have never seen that tree. [ In her defense, it was a big banyan tree]

Dad: It grew up!!!

Mom: The milestones don’t even mention Shirdi. Why don’t you ask that grape-wala ? He must be from Nasik. [Nasik is famous for grapes. Hence all people selling grapes are from Nasik.  Zimble Logic.]

Dad: I know the way. Don’t worry.

As it would happen, we were a bit off-track. So the moral of the story – “Always ask for directions” ? Nope. It seems what I learnt from these experiences was “Men don’t ask for directions”. The weird part is I didn’t realize it till my last trip, that somehow despite these experiences, thats what we men end up learning. I think that’s how my dad picked up the habit and all his ancestors. Maybe there even was a Neanderthal family on its way to the big Mammoth* that was hunted by their herd.

NeanderMom: Are you sure this is the way to the Mammoth ?

NeanderDad : Yes. I can smell the rotting flesh.

NeanderMom: But that could be the rotting Yak that the Gupta’s killed yesterday.

NeanderDad: There are many vultures circling near the hill. Only a mammoth can attract so many of them.

NeanderMom: Why don’t you ask that bone-wala ? He must have definitely got it from the Mammoth.

NeanderDad: I know the way.  Don’t worry.

As it turns out, they were slightly off-target. As for the vultures, they were in holding pattern waiting for landing clearance.  So who started it all ?

I think it was a Hetero Erectus* family, lets call them the Sharma’s. [I refuse to accept that we were born if we all belong to the Homo genus] One fateful day, the dad while searching for a hunted Brontosaurus*, actually asked for directions from the bone-wala guy. Well the bone-wala guy was actually more cunning than a fox who had been appointed as the Professor of Cunning at Oxford University. And cunning as the bone-wala was, he sent them of on a wild goose chase literally.  So the bone-wala guy’s family, the Baldrick’s got to eat the entire Brontosaurus and the Sharma’s ate the goose. Ever since then, no man has ever asked for directions. QED. Side story, Baldrick’s entire family died of indigestion and hence the FDA removed Brontosaurus from the list of approved animals.

* – Science Schmience.

Neanderthal

Dream On!!!

I have been meaning to write this blog for a very very long time. And finally I am so jobless that I cant think of anything else to do but to bore you people with one more … list.(I should call my blog ListShark or maybe “Lists with Nerdshark”)
So few months ago, I had a crazy dream because of which I decided to write this blog. But now that it was so long ago, that I have forgotten the dream. So without much ado I will jump into the “Dream List” [ which is not items that I dream to have but the list of dreams that I ever heard about].

Oops-My-Pants-Are-Missing

These are the dreams where you are either waiting at a bus stop or going to party or just roaming around to realise that “Ooops My Pants are missing!!”. You look like those movie actors/actresses who for some reason are dressed this way every morning in the movie. Sometimes, you are missing the shirt or maybe dressed like those WWF guys sans the muscles. You try to cover yourself by pulling your shirt down or hugging yourself and  voila, you are fully dressed.

Where-the-F***-am-I

Somehow you are in this huge park or any public place and have no idea how you reached there. You search for this particular person and have no idea where he/she is. So you search and search and search till you are suddenly playing cricket on the field with your friends!!

I-wanna-be-a-rockstar

This is the most awesome dream to have. You are like this rockstar or movie actor or F1 racer and people are going “Aaaaaa!!! we love you !!!! “*Faint*. You are like this rookie/underdog who was just another dude till you were discovered by some freakish coincidence. Things like you were just banging on your table and they just know that you are born to be a drummer.

007

Baund.. Jaymes Baund.. Yesss, you are a spy for the top secret world anti-terrorism squad(T-SWATS). Though this one looks like the rockstar dream, there is a tradeoff between fame and power(Damn, I should stop writing my OS paper reviews). You lead a secret double life about which no one knows. Sometimes you are the SuperMan/SpiderMan/Powerpuff gal/Pikachu with unlimited power fighting GodZilla to make Tiruchirappalli a safe place.

Wait-is-this-a-dream

Very rarely you realise that this has to be dream because of its ridiculousness. And once you realise that you can control your own dreams. You can make the cows fly, have dung rain, create a force field to protect yourself, and then throw all your enemies out in the open. Muahhahahahaa.. Problem: You get too excited and wake up.
Hmm.. what else.. Ok..Ok.. You can speak too.. Lady’s and Gentleman, I present to you SentiShark.. See they all moved their cursor to the close button. Thats why I dont let you speak. You promise to keep it short? … Ok guys hear him out, poor SentiShark hasnt written anything for the last few months.

SentiShark: I am no dream analyst but somehow all these dreams have just two emotions in common. Hope and Fear. You hope that no one sees through you and fear that they may not like what they see.(Metaphorically you perverts. Outside-Staind). You hope that you always have friends around you and fear the day when you are left with no one. You hope to be famous or powerful someday so that you don’t fear anything ever. Life is a constant struggle between these two and together they push you forward. Hope doesn’t let you give up and fear keeps you from losing focus. As long as….

Yadaa Yaddaa Yadaaa. I think you people get the point what Senti is trying to make. Senti,I should kill you for totally barfing on my post. Anyways now that you have got your turn, stop bugging me.

CriticShark: Crappiest post of all time. Sarah Palin can do better than you. Luckily Katie Couric is not going to read your post. Do you always barf so much or are your readers …….
Ahem.. Where did he come up from ? Anyways before I fork more threads(Damn you OS)

THE END

Disclaimer: None of these dreams except one are mine. 🙂 GO figure..

An Egoist’s Poll

Just wanted to play around with the new polldaddy feature in wordpress

Lost In Madison

Hello dudes and dudettes. If you are wondering why I have been MIA(Missing In Action, not ur MTV VJ Mia), its because for the last two months I have been transitioning from Namma Bengaluru to Our Madison via Apna Dubai. (I should have said that in Mallu instead). So after working for 2 years in Bangalore, and lazing around for a month in Dubai, I reached U Esh of Aye to do my :hold your breath: “PhD”. Now wipe away that look of incredulity from your face and also start breathing please. I dont want my readers to die on me. At least not without reading the entire post. I am sorry, I digress. So this post has nothing to do with my job experiences at http://go/ogle or my abilities of sleeping for 14 hrs at a stretch(Yeah, I know you have slept for longer), but its about my present(my gift as per Kung Fu Panda) – the beautiful city of Madison,WI. I can throw many many stats about how healthy, green, beautiful, safe and family-friendly this city is. But instead I am going to bore you with a list(as always) of Madison’s features. So if you ever get lost in your baloon-ride around the world and land in an unknown city and if you notice the following, you are in Madison

– Loads of people running or cycling on the footpath, listening to music on their ipods, drinking “potions” from their belt, and wearing as little clothes as permissible. (Now you know why they are running)

– If you see a bicycle lane, between two high speed car lanes.

– If you see people driving scooters/mopeds that look like the mini LML vespas of yesteryears.

– Hoards of people wearing red t-shirts and having an angry animal cartoon(a badger
) imprinted on them. No these people are not members of PETA fighting for Badger Rights. Actually on a side note – Wikipedia says that “Badgers are fierce animals and will protect themselves and their young at all costs. Badgers are capable of fighting off much larger animals such as wolves, coyotes and bears.” So I would really be fighting for Bear Rights here. Anyways these people are actually supporting the University team, Wisconsin Badgers and the angry cartoon is Buckingham U Badger( aka Bucky Badger). A badger whose first name is Buckingham!! Poor guy, he would have got picked on by all his badger classmates.

– If you happen to come in winter(Oct-Mar), then the city is Madison if its covered in multiple layer of white. Except the sidewalks(which would appear like Grand Canyons), where you can still see people running and cycling(but this time with more clothes on)

– If the entire city has only 3 indian restaurants.(I think this is the only American city left alone by the “enTrePrenEuriAL” indianS)

– If it is as hot as Delhi one day, as cold as Ooty the next day, as hot and humid as Chennai the third day and snowing like Mount Everest the fourth, you are in Madison my dear.

– If the bus drivers thank you when you enter the bus and you thank the bus driver while leaving.(I dont know why, I never thanked the bus drivers of Mumbai where if you reach your stop in one piece, you SHOULD thank him)

– If there is no conductor on the bus to check your tickets.(I miss the “Ticket Ticket” and the stapler sounds)

– If you find a free newspaper stand for a newspaper hated by the “Jains” – The Onion.(PJ, In case u missed it) No it has nothing to do with the market rates of onion or any other veggie for that matter. Its a truly hilarious paper. Surprisingly much more than my blogs. Seriously. http://www.theonion.com

– If you dont find Starbucks at every second block. I hate this.

– If you dont find people at every second block. I hate this too. But not as much as no coffee.

– If you find a fountain that seems like two screw gauges spitting in each others mouths. I still cant figure out why would you name it the “Descendant’s Fountain”

– If everytime you walk for 2 miles, you see a lake.

– If you think you are in Washington DC, you are in Madison. We copied the Capitol Hill from Washington to especially fool ballooners like you.

– But the easier approach would be to ask the crowd around your balloon. Seriously do that.

PS – Question of the Day
Q: Why the wierd capitalization in “enTrePrenEuriAL” indianS ?
Hint: https://nerdshark.wordpress.com/2006/12/12/random-capitalisation/

Trip down the memory rails

Last week when I came to Bangalore from Chennai by train, it brought back old memories of my school and college life when I used to go home by train. It has been almost two years since my last train journey, and this journey though short was a pleasant reminder of how unique a journey it is. It reminded me of the weird fans that are found only in trains(and my hostel room :(( ). It reminded me that trains are the only place

– where you sometimes travel with your head bent because the guy in middle berth wants to sleep early.

– where the next stop is not announced by a sweet husky voice but is up to you to figure it out. Most likely by asking the guy next to you or by straining your neck to try to make out the name of the station from the yellow post at the end of the platforms.

– where you could watch the scenery changing with the blink of the eye.

– where the question “where are you going to?” made sense.

– where traveling for 30 hrs didn’t mean a trip around the world.

– where you would meet 10 sets of six different people within one journey.

– where you were free to carry as much weight as you wanted and didn’t have to pay the TC for the extra luggage.

– where no one cared if you carried petrol(though illegal), knife, scissors or 1000 oz of toothpaste. You could even brandish the knife and no one would give a second look unless you are cutting mangoes. Yummm.

– where you actually had to be careful about being drugged and robbed by thieves.

– where traveling in the morning meant sharing your seat with the honorable “pass holders”.

– where people brought food on their head and not in trolley, served biriyani+curd made in canteen of the train not a 3 course 5 star hotel meal, and had no forks, spoons, chocolate or even the after dinner coffee.

– where sleeping on a full bed didn’t mean business class(actually AC chair-car is more expensive than sleeper)

– where the shaking of the train was not followed by an announcement of bad weather/ bad rail construction

– where the passenger list is not a top-secret( you can actually know the name/age/sex of everyone on the train)

– where a 1/2 ticket still makes sense(though I always needed age proof)

– where reaching two minutes before departure was acceptable and was actually common practice.

– where boarding gates didn’t close even after departure.( a fact used by our dear Gannu)

– where entertainment system meant two kids singing “Pardesi Pardesi” using two pieces of tiles.

– where you can get nagpur’s oranges, bharuch na sing(peanuts) without even getting off in these cities.

– where you would be shown things that you dont want to see and would pay “it” anything for “it” to stop. (Ask any Gujju – NITT’06)

– where you could stop the train, whenever you wanted.(Make sure to run fast after that)

– where no one cared even if you are at footsteps with all your luggage before even the platform is visible, forget about the train “coming to an absolute halt”

– where no one showed you the emergency exits or how to use them.

– where your ticket is checked only once by a TC and not by every Tom, Dick and Hari.

– where kids could run in the alleys without upsetting anyone.

– where even if the sweltering heat is melting your seat, you never complained to the TC, as you are too busy playing cards with your friends

– where it wasn’t awkward discussing your entire itinerary, reason for visit, why your son didn’t go for an MBA with a total stranger on the next seat.

Makes you think, when did travel become a pain ??

Dont fart under fallen debris

Yet another copy-pasted stuff from http://www.safenow.org/

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The US government has a website, http://www.ready.gov. It’s another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old “duck and cover” advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations below. Enjoy!

Note: This parody site was built for fun. For the serious stuff, see our friends protecting our great country at http://www.ready.gov or the Department of Homeland Security at http://www.dhs.gov

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.
People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
Your respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.
Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
No pyromaniacs admitted.
A quick family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve precious memories for years to come.
That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don’t go there.
The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.
If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.
If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.
If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.
After all life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. Think about it.
Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.
“Wash your hands” of traditional long distance telephone providers.
Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the ‘underground’ rave in the shelter.
In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.
In time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.
There is a reason you failed chemistry.
Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.
If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.
Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
– individual dose
– family value size
– neighborhood spray pump size
– supersize!
Satellite photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle in Southeast Texas.
When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.

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if you are thinking these images are made up, have a look  at http://www.ready.gov/america/beinformed/biological.html