Good news everyone. My blog comes as the first result for my own name on Google Search. I have defeated that “Tushar Khot” played by Atul Kulkarni from a Marathi thriller “Chakwa” who used to always come at the top. Hurrah!! All thanks to the copy pasted facebook post. I never realized the power of copy paste. I knew that it helped during exams, ED(Engineering drawing) tracing[Ibibo would say balti kucch naheen karti. But put a table lamp and a glass along with it, and it can do wonders] But such an impact on my page views/Page Rank was unexpected. Thats just awesome. I also learnt keyword stuffing helps.( which is what i have been trying with Chakwa/Google/facebook/ED/ibibo/page rank) And obviously a long list helps. so here is todays long list with lots of keyword stuffing.
Inspired by MTV Youngistaan, here is a program schedule of a news channels. I am not giving any names here but for convenience sake lets call it Aaj Tak. Any resemblance to any other channel is purely coincidental(though highly probable) and unintentional.
6:00 – 7:00 AM - All things religious. We start with a prayer sung by Bipasha Basu in a sleeveless saree, followed by horoscope by Bejaan Daruwala but co-hosted by Paris Hilton’s dog. The dog would select the tarot cards that would be used to tell your fate. Then we will answer your queries regarding when you will get married/get a job/fall in a borewell/become 7 feet tall etc etc.
7:00 – 8:00 AM – How did we irritate viewers yesterday – Basically yesterdays news repeated today so that you know what happened yesterday. This is targeted at the night shift section who would be coming back from work now and would be really interested in what was happening in the world while they were guarding/sleeping at the gates of “Headlines Today”.[Lamest joke ever!!] This section may contain sensible news so watch at your own risk.
8:00 – 9:00 AM – Health section – We start with some health news where we do in-depth analysis of the claim that how mobile phones/laptops cause cancer and reduce the counts of “you know what”.[Dont want my blog to get blocked by your filters.] We do this everyday but the ads change. Then Tarla Dalal will teach you how to make the healthiest breakfast with the world’s most smiley audience. this is followed by the obvious aerobics classes that really get you started for the day. Guaranteed to make you guys sweat without even doing the exercises. Girls you may have to do the exercises though. At least most of you will.
9:00 – 10:00 AM – Cookery show – Why is that news you ask ? Scroll down, its going to get a lot worse.
11:00 AM – 12:00 PM – Saved by the Well - A one hour segment of the kid in the well and minute by minute update of how he is being extracted, the pain of his distraught parents, the joy of his friends in the colony who get to be on TV, his teacher/principals views on this brilliant kid(who flunked last 2 tests) etc etc. If there is no kid in the well today we will throw in one. Auditions for the “well kid” are at our Office in Worli.
12:00 – 1:00 PM – Soap Opera Updates – This is the most innovative news segment ever. It qualifies as News yet it is fictional. Here we basically give you updates about all the soap operas that have been running for the last century and also give in-depth analysis of each of the characters. If you are lucky you might even come to know the secret to “Baa”’s longevity. So next time you miss “Kyonki Saans bhi kabhii bahu thi” or “Kahaanii ghar ghar ki” or “KShaktimaan-2″(Balaji version), just tune into “Aaj Tak”
1:00 – 2:00 PM - YouTube Video of today- In this segment we take one of the youtube’s famous videos that have been shown for the last 2 years and do an in-depth analysis of the video. It could be “lion attack buffalo attack lion attack alligator” or “eagle lift goat” video or ant follow ant video[Dont tell me you have never seen one!]. We may call experts pertaining to the video, most of the time. Other times we just repeat and repeat and repeat the video till you know it by heart and break the TV.
2:00 – 3:00 PM – Some boring news which you are better of watching on other channels but somehow have the false impression that we show news and hence are watching it here.
3:00 – 4:00 PM – Sports News – Unlike other news channel which show you scores and next fixtures, we believe in discussing ancient match fixing issues and players off-court “performance”. We believe the true sportsman lies in the players psyche and hence we delve into his personality(private life) instead. We show how he is aggressive on field yet like a mouse in front of his wife and try to figure out what the reason for this aggression could be(duh!). We may also do a SWOT analysis of a cricket/tennis player. Following players will be discussed even if they haven’t played for the last 3 months – Sania Mirza, Sachin Tendulkar, Shoaib Akhtar, Harbhajan/Symonds, Leander Paes, Anna Kournikova and any other girl who wears short skirts.
Continued: http://nerdshark.wordpress.com/2008/04/25/top-news-continuedohhhh-the-pain/
April 25, 2008 at 12:31 pm
[...] News – Continued[Ohhhh the pain .. ] April 25, 2008 — nerdshark Continued from here 4:00 – 5:00 PM – Bollywood News – In this segment we tell you about all thats happening in the [...]
January 20, 2009 at 12:43 am
good humour ..i liked it especially when u said cookery shows – what did this became news ?
and i also liked the soaps running for centuries