NerdToons Unleashed

Hi guys,
I am proud to present to you a new segment to this “fun-filled” blog – NerdToons. The toons are very nerdy, so read at your own risk.(NSFW too ). Also there are no humans, only conversation bubbles. Ain’t that innovative ?? (Bullshit. The software-Comic Life which I was using was painful when it came to adding people. So I just used the bubbles.) Anyways I hope you like it and without any further ado, here is the link -

http://nerdshark.wordpress.com/nerdtoons/

You can also click on the link at the top right corner of the page.

Note: The NerdToons has reference to lot of US TV shows and lonely new year nites[Why else are they NerdToons??!! ]. So all of you may not understand them. But if you do, please leave comments(nice ones,pleeeeej) on the page.

Top News – Continued[Ohhhh the pain .. ]

Continued from here
4:00 – 5:00 PM - Bollywood News - In this segment we tell you about all thats happening in the bollywood world. This news will never have any impact on your life or for that matter on the life of the celebrity about whom the news is. We talk about Kareena-Saif-Shaheed love triangle everyday, ranging from the tattoo on Saifs arm, their probable marriage dates, effect of kareena on saif’s success, effect of saif on kareena’s waist line, effect of shahid on shahid’s life etc etc. Apart from that, we will cover Bipasha-John Abraham breakup, Mallika Sherawat’s/Emraan kisses, SRK Vs Big B(From various angles – KBC/Don/Apartment locations/Janam Kundli etc). There are some surprise elements too as even Aaj Tak cant predict the great Indian Bollywood.

5:00 – 6:00 PM – Rakhi Sawant - There are some people who have such an impact on the world economy and people’s life singlehandedly, that we need to keep a separate segment for only them. Everyday we bring you the hottest and spiciest news about our very own drama queen, Rakhi Sawant. Her kiss, her dance, her crying on a TV show because a judge scolded her, her crying in an interview because we praised her,  her crying on her balcony because she was cutting onions. Wait a minute, Rakhi Sawant cooks food on her own ?!!Thats the hottest news ever.

6:00 – 8:00 PM – This is the the most popular and most watched segment of our news channel. Its about a guy who has made India proud all over the world by excelling in a sport which was dominated by the “firangis”. We are talking of none other than our very own Mr Khali. Actually just the fact that he is 7 feet tall is enough for him to feature on our show. But the fact that he fights foreigners on their own soil and also has hair longer than Dhoni makes him deserve a 2 hr segment of his own. On this show, we talk about his rise to power, his various moves(not the dance moves, we would really not want to see him give the pelvic thrust), his opponents, his opponent’s moves(now they have dance moves) etc etc. Luckily he has so many opponents that it is not difficult filling the entire news with this. Sometimes we just sing a song for him or pick up a hindi thesaurus, find all meanings of “big(badaa)” and “strong(takatwar)” and “fearless(darrless)” and fill the words around them to form sentences.

8:00 – 9:00 PM – Top 10 – Throughout the day we ask you to vote for a story that you liked the most(and thereby make money on VAS msgs) and then we show the top 10 voted stories in this section. We actually promoted the guy to VP who gave this idea. Earn money from people who actually are stupid enough to send Rs. 6 messages plus we don’t have to bother about finding stories to show(not that it is difficult showing image slideshows/videos with “hard-hitting” captions.) plus we make the viewers feel important plus critics cant complain that we repeat the same news over and over again. This is the best thing that has ever happened since Khali.

9:00 – 10:00 PM – Top Stories – Throughout the day, our top reporters have been trying to get the most important events of the day from all over the world(from the TV room scourging other news channels). Anyways whatever be the means, the end is what matters. And the end is sure beautiful. Stories from other news channels, videos from foreign news channel, commentary by our in-house experts, so that you are not sure whether you are watching a news channel or a soap opera. This is News at its best.

10:00 – 11:00 PM – “Chain se sona hai to jaag jao” – One line says it all.(Translation: If you want to sleep, wake up ????) This is the section where we show you the scariest stories of the day. You would be surprised the amount of scary shit that happens every day. And if its not scary enough, our anchor would make it scarier than the Ramsay brother’s shows(not that they were scary) by dialogues like “Dil-dehla dene waali dastaan”, “rooh kap-kapa jaaye aisa dardanaak hadsa” and many more scary hindi words spoken with an MLA accent for additional impact.

Apart from this, we will always have breaking news scrolling at the bottom to tell you about the latest news like AB’s fever, Ash’s temple visit, Bipasha’s kadwa chaudh, Sania’s nose-ring being lost, Sachin’s reaction on Australian rugby team losing to England etc.

==

So now guys, I believe any channel that is <20% predictable should be called as a news channel or soap opera channel. Any channel that is  > 80% predictable is a music channel or a sports channel. Where do you classify this channel ???

Aaj Ki Tazaa Khabar[Today's Fresh Grave...ooops News]

Good news everyone. My blog comes as the first result for my own name on Google Search. I have defeated that “Tushar Khot” played by Atul Kulkarni from a Marathi thriller “Chakwa” who used to always come at the top. Hurrah!! All thanks to the copy pasted facebook post. I never realized the power of copy paste. I knew that it helped during exams, ED(Engineering drawing) tracing[Ibibo would say balti kucch naheen karti. But put a table lamp and a glass along with it, and it can do wonders] But such an impact on my page views/Page Rank was unexpected. Thats just awesome. I also learnt keyword stuffing helps.( which is what i have been trying with Chakwa/Google/facebook/ED/ibibo/page rank) And obviously a long list helps. so here is todays long list with lots of keyword stuffing.

Inspired by MTV Youngistaan, here is a program schedule of a news channels. I am not giving any names here but for convenience sake lets call it Aaj Tak. Any resemblance to any other channel is purely coincidental(though highly probable) and unintentional.

6:00 – 7:00 AM - All things religious. We start with a prayer sung by Bipasha Basu in a sleeveless saree, followed by horoscope by Bejaan Daruwala but co-hosted by Paris Hilton’s dog. The dog would select the tarot cards that would be used to tell your fate. Then we will answer your queries regarding when you will get married/get a job/fall in a borewell/become 7 feet tall etc etc.

7:00 – 8:00 AM – How did we irritate viewers yesterday – Basically yesterdays news repeated today so that you know what happened yesterday. This is targeted at the night shift section who would be coming back from work now and would be really interested in what was happening in the world while they were guarding/sleeping at the gates of “Headlines Today”.[Lamest joke ever!!] This section may contain sensible news so watch at your own risk.

8:00 – 9:00 AM – Health section – We start with some health news where we do in-depth analysis of the claim that how mobile phones/laptops cause cancer and reduce the counts of “you know what”.[Dont want my blog to get blocked by your filters.] We do this everyday but the ads change. Then Tarla Dalal will teach you how to make the healthiest breakfast with the world’s most smiley audience. this is followed by the obvious aerobics classes that really get you started for the day. Guaranteed to make you guys sweat without even doing the exercises. Girls you may have to do the exercises though. At least most of you will.

9:00 – 10:00 AM – Cookery show – Why is that news you ask ? Scroll down, its going to get a lot worse.

11:00 AM – 12:00 PM – Saved by the Well - A one hour segment of the kid in the well and minute by minute update of how he is being extracted, the pain of his distraught parents, the joy of his friends in the colony who get to be on TV, his teacher/principals views on this brilliant kid(who flunked last 2 tests) etc etc. If there is no kid in the well today we will throw in one. Auditions for the “well kid” are at our Office in Worli.

12:00 – 1:00 PM – Soap Opera Updates – This is the most innovative news segment ever. It qualifies as News yet it is fictional. Here we basically give you updates about all the soap operas that have been running for the last century and also give in-depth analysis of each of the characters. If you are lucky you might even come to know the secret to “Baa”’s longevity. So next time you miss “Kyonki Saans bhi kabhii bahu thi” or “Kahaanii ghar ghar ki” or “KShaktimaan-2″(Balaji version), just tune into “Aaj Tak”

1:00 – 2:00 PM - YouTube Video of today- In this segment we take one of the youtube’s famous videos that have been shown for the last 2 years and do an in-depth analysis of the video. It could be “lion attack buffalo attack lion attack alligator” or “eagle lift goat” video or ant follow ant video[Dont tell me you have never seen one!]. We may call experts pertaining to the video, most of the time. Other times we just repeat and repeat and repeat the video till you know it by heart and break the TV.

2:00 – 3:00 PM – Some boring news which you are better of watching on other channels but somehow have the false impression that we show news and hence are watching it here.

3:00 – 4:00 PM – Sports News – Unlike other news channel which show you scores and next fixtures, we believe in discussing ancient match fixing issues and players off-court “performance”. We believe the true sportsman lies in the players psyche and hence we delve into his personality(private life) instead. We show how he is aggressive on field yet like a mouse in front of his wife and try to figure out what the reason for this aggression could be(duh!). We may also do a SWOT analysis of a cricket/tennis player. Following players will be discussed even if they haven’t played for the last 3 months – Sania Mirza, Sachin Tendulkar, Shoaib Akhtar, Harbhajan/Symonds, Leander Paes, Anna Kournikova and any other girl who wears short skirts.

– To be continued –

Continued: http://nerdshark.wordpress.com/2008/04/25/top-news-continuedohhhh-the-pain/

To be(Single) or not to be(Mingling)

In my entire life of 23 yrs, I have not had a fanti(girlfriend for the uninitiated). So I was thinking maybe the secret of bachelorhood lies somewhere in my “art of living”"[Don't sue me plij]. If that unfortunately is true, its my responsibility to educate(brainwash) my readers on how to remain single and yet never mingle. First and foremost you must enjoy bachelorhood. Why wont you, right? Less expenses, no late night calls, no commitment and total freedom. Awesome!!. If you dont agree with me then you need to try getting a date here. If you realize that it was a mistake, use this to get rid of her. Now that you have learnt your lesson and now you want to be single, remaining single is very simple.

1. Looks – Don’t ever wear stylish clothes outside. A loose jeans(better without belt, so you can lift your pant up every 2 min.), an un-ironed shirt(preferably fluorescent green/yellow in color) and properly combed hair.(you will be surprised how many girls die on the ruffian look) and you are set. No girl will ever give you a second look and even if she does it would only be out of pity.

2. Conversation – This is the most important part. While talking to a girl, only talk about yourself. If possible talk about how you failed in your maths class and your other debacles in life. Make sure she knows you are serious. You don’t want to be funny. Cry if you can. If she cracks a joke, act as if it was the dumbest joke. If its too good and you cant control, laugh very hard and snort every 0.5 seconds. Some girls might still be relentless, and talk n talk n talk. Then shift to weird body language. Pick your nose, scratch your hair, look at the ceiling. If that also doesn’t work, just run for it.

3. Social Life – Go out only with guys. To avoid suspicion on your orientation, do make obscene comments about girls with them. If there are girls in the group, be more explicit otherwise they wont understand. Don’t join salsa or other dance classes. If you must, use your conversation tactics on them. If that doesn’t work, keep your hands at weird places(not those places you pervert!! do you want to be beaten to death??). Keep stamping on their feet and missing the steps. She will change her dance partner pretty soon.

4. Work life - Don’t earn too much. Or at least don’t let anyone know. I am not saying girls are shallow, but money is always a plus(hint:Make such statements in your blog too). Work really hard in office so that you don’t have time to interact. Avoid the HR division of your office, it will weaken your bachelorhood spirit. If you are unlucky enough to have unmarried uncommitted lady colleagues, call them “behanji” or “mataji”. If they don’t understand hindi, then still call them that and always converse with them in hindi, even if they reply in english. Your conversation and dressing skills should take care of the rest. NOTE: Doing anything more would come under sexual/mental harassment, and I am not liable for your stupidity.

There are lot more tips I can give you. but I am saving them for my next best selling novel, “Being Single for Dummies“.
But these tips should be enough to keep you away from 90% of the girls.

And even then, if you find a girl with whom you want to have a future and are ready to lose all your freedom for her, at least have the guts to tell her that. Shut up SentiShark !!! This is my post.

Traffic Rul’z

Well I have a set of laws for Indian roads. But as they are Indian, I will rename them as “Murthy’s laws” rather than Murphy’s Laws[If you are a Murthy, I haven't named it after you]

1. The faster you are driving, bigger are the speed breakers. The biggest ones are not painted.
2. The smoothest road will have strategically placed potholes, such that you cannot avoid them. If you can avoid them, a cow will make sure that you cant.
3. In rain, the biggest puddles will have the least depth and the smallest one can contain a cow, 3 dogs, a 5 yr old kid(till a news channel finds him) and still have enough space left for a truck tyre to get stuck.
4. You will always be on the slowest lane.
5. A policeman will always be there when you break the signal/forget your license or have a lot of cash in your wallet.
6. The rightmost lane at a signal is for the ones who want to go right first. The middle lane is for ones who want to go right too but think of the road as a game of tetris and filled up the empty middle lane. The last lane is for people who want to go straight/right and take road tetris very seriously. The people who want to go left are the ones honking there horns with one tyre on the footpath and other on the third lane.(Lane 3.5?? Does that go to Hogwarts too?)
7. If you are a car driver, all pedestrians will get the urge to cross when they see you.
8. Signals are programmed to detect the urgency of the driver and turn red when its the highest.
9. Cars coming on the opposite lane seem to use the headlights to see if you have a hot chick in your car rather than keeping them on the road and out of your eyes.
10. Your wife is a better driver than you even if she doesn’t have a license. She knows the shortest paths with the least traffic. [This can be a blog topic in itself and I am not even married yet.]
11. 99% of dents on every car are caused by other’s mistakes.
12. If there is an accident on the road, everyone will want to look at it as if it was “Britney Gone Bald” while you cursed them from behind. You will drive slower than them when you cross the scene.
13. Dividers are for losers. All your lanes are belong to us.
14. Signals without traffic police are disco lights.
15. You will run out of petrol kilometers away from a petrol pump. You will also never remember putting it in Reserve.
16. If you are in a car, the bikes will criss-cross around you
17. If you are on a bike, the auto-rickshaws will criss-cross around you.
18. If you are in an auto-rickshaw, then Hail Oh Lord of Roads. None of these laws apply to you.

Feel free to add more in the comments section.